(ESP/ENG) Esta Bien No Estar Bien

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lqch

Published on Mar 28, 2022

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English version

Prologue

These days I have lacked the inspiration or the desire to write. I sit in front of the screen, or the paper, and it is as if everything I feel inside, could not be described with words... I wanted to call it a "mental block", in order to justify my days of absence.

The mental block that doesn't let me enjoy the activities I like the most (like working), sometimes takes away my appetite, and keeps me busy thinking that I'm not really doing anything.

I said it was a "mental block" trying maybe not to worry anyone, but I think I did it more to fool myself.

The truth is that I'm not well.
I don't feel 100% and the first step to fix it, is to acknowledge it.
For some reason I don't know, for my whole life I have been ashamed to admit that I don't feel "right". I try to hide and shelter under a facade of indifference so it doesn't show, but I think it's time to let that go... I'm hurting myself.
And after all... It's okay not to be okay.

It sounds easy and it's easy to say. But understanding it, however, not so much.

It always starts out the same.

Ep. 1 Not finding a valid reason

The fucked up thing about feeling bad, for no physical reason, is that you have no way to show that you are not well. And it seems like you're always giving a bad excuse to stop doing everything... If you had an injury in your hands that made you unable to use them, you'd show it and that's it.

But in this particular case, what frustrates me the most, is that if I were to be asked "why? what makes you feel that way?" I would feel guilty for not having any good reason, which in turn would make me feel worse... And it would lead me to the second point.

Ep. 2 Guilt for not being able to feel good

I wish I could describe that feeling you get when you're too busy thinking about how to feel good, while on the outside, on the outside I still look the same.

Perfectly stiff, and immobile. With the same heaviness. Sometimes half functioning, but with no real inner strength to motivate me, other than the idea of feeling "free" at some point of discomfort.

Because it's supposed to happen, isn't it? It's going to happen, and that's what most of the motivational phrases on instagram that I try to get inspiration from say. But no... They don't help.

On the contrary.

They become a horrifying mirror of how incapable I am of doing anything. A reminder of another day that I don't achieve that insignificant little goal for someone else.

I wish I could sleep all day, because my thoughts become so overwhelming.

And I don't know how to stop it, I don't know how to get out of the spiral, and it's starting to seem unbearable.

The world in pandemic and war, and me feeling this way? How would I talk to someone about this without feeling stupid?

Ep. 3 Being alone vs. feeling alone

I have days where I can't do anything but listen to myself say I'm not capable, not enough. My breathing has weird lapses where it flutters and hitches at the same time, but I'm not running or doing cardio. It's when I'm on the edge, and I'd like to turn off the imaginary camera and scream cut! To film I don't like anymore... Say the protagonist is indisposed, and stop writing the story.

I want to be alone, but I don't want to feel alone... it's not the same, as strange as it may sound.

However I am burdened with so many bad emotions, and I don't want to drag anyone into this.

If I can't stand myself, why should anyone else?