Reading Fyodor's Notes 003

Transcript

Hey there, if it is the first time seeing my video, I am uploading raw and edited videos. Therefore, what I'm saying is a real-time thought. And it sparks from reading a book. Or sometimes I do this prompt question, but I just uploaded one. So there will be more of it, but I don't care if you don't care. Anyway, I have to continue reading few doors, notes from the underground. It would have been quiet enough, for instance, to have the consciousness by which all so -called direct persons and men of action live. I bet you think I am writing all this from affection? affectation to be beauty at the expense of men of action on what is more that from the ill-bred affectation actually i'm not familiar with the word affectation i am clanking a sword like my officers but gentlemen who ever can pride himself on his diseases and even shrugger over them Though, after all, everyone does do that. People do pride themselves on their diseases, and I do, maybe more than anyone. Actually, sometimes I think to myself that maybe I am taking pride that my brain or my mind is not normal. Yeah. Sometimes I ask myself, am I seeking attention for being weird or something like that? Am I sort of wanting to have disease so that people will notice me? Yeah, I really do think something like that. We will not dispute it. My contention was absurd, but... Yet, I am firmly persuaded that a great deal of consciousness, every sort of consciousness in fact is a disease. Yeah, stick to that. Let us leave that to for a minute. Tell me this, why does it happen that at the very, yes, at the very moments when I am most capable of feeling every refinement of all that is sublime? and beautiful as they used to say at once time at one time it would as though the sign happen to me not only to feel but to do such ugly things such that well in short action that or perhaps commit by which as though purposely occurred to me at the very time when i was the most conscious that they ought not to be committed, do you get it? I have sort of just the idea. It's like you are conscious about certain things, but you are doing it, but you are conscious that you're not supposed to do it. I've been there, I've been doing it, but most of the time... when I find myself doing something which is apparently not great in my own standard, I stop it right away. But it's rare that I let myself indulge in entertainment. But nowadays I do it, you know, because... I'm not well, let's go back to that, I'm not well mentally, I'm exhausted. So yeah, that happens. The more conscious I was of goodness and of all that was sublime and beautiful, the more deeply I sank into my mire, and the more ready I was to sink in it altogether. But the chief point was that all this was, as it were, not accidental in me, but as though it were bound to be so. It was as though it were my most normal condition and not in the least disease or depravity, so that at last all desire inmateous struggle against this depravity path. ended by my almost believing, perhaps actually believing, that this was perhaps my normal condition. But at first, in the beginning, what agonies I endured in that struggle, I did not believe it was the same with other people, and all my life I hid this talk about myself as a secret. I was a shame. Even now, perhaps, I am a shame, I got... to the point of feeling a sort of secret abnormal, despicable enjoyment in returning home to my corner on some disgusting Kitter's bird night, acutely conscious that that day I had committed a loathsome action again, that what was done could never be undone and secretly inwardly, knowing at myself for it. teeming and consuming myself till at last the bitterness turned into a sort and shameful, of curse sweetness, and at last into the positive real enjoyment. Actually, this is so funny, because I am the kind of person to enjoy when I'm out. Like, if someone is inviting me to a party, I am this kind of person that... can really have fun, like, I'm a social butterfly, I can connect to almost everyone, I can go to a person and then initiate a conversation, and then they will talk a lot of things, and they will end up asking me, what's my Facebook account? Yeah, and way before there was no internet in the province yet. They tend to ask for my number just to talk to me because I am so fun to be with. And it stays out. I am this kind of person that really enjoys solitude. I want to be alone. I want to be, you know, just thinking and thinking and thinking and then I will wallow in self-duty. It's so pathetic, but... This looks like it. Anyway, yes, into enjoyment. Into enjoyment, I insist upon that. I have spoken of this because I keep wanting to know for a fact with whether other people feel such enjoyment. I will explain the enjoyment was to... From the too intense consciousness of one's own degradation. It was from feeling oneself that one had reached the last barrier. that it was horrible but that it could not be otherwise that there was no escape for you that you could that you never could become a different man that even if time and fate were still left you to change into something different you would most likely not wish to change or if you did wish to even then you would do nothing because perhaps in reality, there was nothing for you to change into. Actually, I'm at that point of my life right now. I feel like I need to be ambitious, because I can do things. I know that I'm capable of doing things. I've been doing it all my life. The thing is, what else should I aspire to be? Like, I feel like I've done my best in this life, really. Time is almost up, and my throat is acting up, so bye. Thank you for staying with me. Goodbye.

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