Reading Fyodor's Notes 001

Transcript

Hey guys, yeah, I know, I'm looking better as someone who is in TVA existential crisis. And it's so funny when you are a thinking person. It's because even when feelings and anxiety is overwhelming you, you can still zoom out, and then you can spectate yourself. Like, you can detach yourself from yourself and you'll be thinking. Why is this person acting like this? Yeah, I know it's weird, but it's, it is very effective for me. And also, I like it when I found a few doors, wait, the correct pronunciation of his name, Pudor, Dastoyevsky. Yeah, this is so funny. Actually, I've read two pages, but I'm using the digital phone for reading. And it's so fun, because it sits with you. Like, those questions and those petty. things if you are, you know, not familiar with the feeling of being in existential crisis. And I like it, so let's read it. I am a sick man, I am a spiteful man, I am an attractive man, I believe my liver is disease. However, I know nothing at all about my disease and do not know for certain what ails me. Actually, these past few days, I was thinking that maybe I have a liver disease. It's because my back pain is too much, and, you know, I ask Google if I have a liver problem, and it turns out it's just muscle pain. Anyway, that's continue. I don't consult a doctor for it and never have, though I have a respect for medicine and doctors. Besides, I am extremely superstitious, sufficiently, so to respect medicine. Anyway, I am well educated enough not to be superstitious, but I am superstitious. I resonate with that, actually. Maybe because of my upbringing that I was raised by my grandmothers. That's right, even if I am a very logical person, I'm still superstitious. Let's continue. Now, I refuse to consult a doctor from spite that you probably will not understand. Well, I understand it, though. Of course. I can't explain who it is precisely that I am mortifying in this case by my spite, I am perfectly aware that I cannot pay out the doctors by not consulting them. I know better than anyone that by all this I am only enjoying myself on no one else, but still, if I don't consult the doctor this pump's spite, my liver is bad, well, let it get worse. I have been going on like that for a long time, 20 years. Now I am 40. I am 32, so like 80 years difference. I used to be in the government service, but I no longer. I was a spiteful official, I was rude and took pleasure in being self. I did not take bribes, you see, so I was bound to find a recompense in that, at least, a poor dress, but I will not scratch it out, I wrote it thinking it would sound very witty, but now that I have seen myself that I only wanted to show off in a despicable way, I will not scratch it out on purpose. I really love that Fedor is using this. what do you call this, the inside thoughts, like, you know, side thoughts, he's writing, then there's this subtopic, I don't know, what do you call this? Oh my goodness, I really hate my brain right now, it's not braining. Okay, let's resume. When petitioners used to come for information to the table at which I sat, I used to grind my teeth at them, and felt intense enjoyment when I succeeded in making anybody unhoppy. I almost did succeed, for the most part, they were old, timid people, of course, they were petitioners. But, of the upish ones, there's... there was one officer in particular I could not endure. He simply would not be humble and clunked his sword in a disgusting way. I carried on a feud with him for 18 months over that sword. At last I got the better of him. He laughed off clanking it. That happened in my youth, though. But do you know, gentlemen, what was the chief point about my spite? Why the whole point, the real sting of it, lay in the fact that continually, even in the moment of the acutist spleen, I was inwardly conscious with shame that I was not only not a spiteful, but not even an embittered man, that I was simply scaring sparrows at random and amusing myself by it. I might foam at the mouth. But bring me a doll to play with. Give me a cup of tea with sugar in it, and maybe I should be a pee. I might even be genuinely touch, though probably I should grind my feet at myself afterwards and lie awake at night with shame for months after. That was my right. I was lying when I said just now that I was a spiteful of a show. I was lying from spite. I was simply amusing myself with the petitioners and with the officer, and in reality I never could become spiteful. I was conscious every moment in myself of many, very many elements absolutely opposite to that. I felt them positively swarming in me, this opposite element. And now I'm... I'm lost. I don't know when I'm reading anymore. I know that they had been swarming in me all my life and craving some outlet for me, but I would not let them, would not let them, purposely would not let them come out. They tormented me till I was ashamed. They drove me to convulsions and sickened me. At last, how they sickened me? Now, they are not you punching. gentlemen, that I am expressing remorse for the something now, that I am asking for forgiveness for something. I am sure you are fancying that, however, I assure you, I do not care if you are. It was not only that I could not become spiteful, I did not know how to become anything. Neither spiteful nor time, neither a rascal nor an Anfmon, neither a hero nor an insect, an insect like bugs. Now I am living out my life in my corner, taunting myself with a spiteful and useless consolation that an intelligent man cannot become anything seriously. and it is only the fool who becomes anything. Yes, a man in the 19th century must and morally ought to be pre-eminently a characterless creature, a man of character. An active man is pre-eminently a limited creature, that is, for my conviction of 40 years. I am 40 years old now, and you know 40 years is a whole lifetime. You know it is extremely... Extreme old age. To live longer than 40 years is bad manners is vulgar immoral. Who does live beyond 40? Well, Sidor is better because, as for me, why did I live beyond 30? All I ask is 30 years. And I'm already past two years. Well, let's live life that keeps coming, that you think. The cheat, bye.

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