When people are confronted with intense emotions in themselves or in others, there are some strategies that they use. Some are more effective than others.

The neurotic mother

A common one is denial or evasion - we might call it the "neurotic mother". When we apply this strategy, we brush our own emotions to the side. We might say to ourselves "I'll deal with this later."

Some times it's necessary to leave our feelings for another day, but if it's a pattern, we are likely to build these feelings up, unresolved, waiting to express themselves in more and more alarming ways.

The demanding father

Another strategy is to come in very directly, demanding to know what is wrong - the "demanding father". He bursts in the door, thinking that opening the secrets of feelings is just like cracking a nut - all force, and little tact.

When we make demands of people who are emotional, or of our own emotions, they may shrivel, become withdrawn, perhaps even passive aggressive.

Some may even try to simply kick out their feelings. It's a strategy without lasting effects. Feelings are messages from something deeper, and we gain nothing by removing the messenger.

The patient grandfather

The more useful strategies are the "grandparents". The "patient grandfather" waits and asks key questions, listening carefully to your responses. They may be quite analytical questions, but they come without prejudice, with a certain space.

Something like a skilled therapist, the patient grandfather seeks to understand the feelings intellectually. He might ask about the source of the feeling, what caused it to occur, if it's associated with a belief. He might even ask about the shape or texture of the emotion within the body, calmly focusing in on its nature.

The nurturing grandmother

Likewise, the "nurturing grandmother" grants you a safe distance. She knows that she can't force you; she doesn't want to avoid you. She gets close enough to the emotion to allow it to be comfortable. She cradles the fear.

She gives it just enough space that it has room to transform when it wants to, to be something else. Again, it's a space free of judgement.

You can give yourself, and give your emotions space to transform.

Why is this video vertical?

In the past month I've been doing a lot of Facebook Live videos with the intention of calming the fear that's present all over the world. I hope you tune in, and I hope they bring you greater peace and perspective in your life.

Acknowledgements

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