Remembering Alaia, 3 Years On

She was a global traveler, a customer of some 10 years, a casual acquaintance and yet someone with whom I suddenly became intimately acquainted. How? Why? She died in my car. I ended up "inheriting" her dead body after her German lesbian "wife" refused to meet the costs of her repatriation, and so I witnessed her autopsy (required by Thai law), dressed her 13 day old post autopsy corpse in ceremonial meditation clothes (a traditional rite given to 'family'), arranged her Thai funeral, removed her still warm ashes and remaining bones from the crematorium oven (again, a legal requirement) and ultimately interred her ashes in a friend's garden here.

It was 3 years ago, this week.

She initially came to me for cancer care support and was in profound denial as to how very close to death she actually was. She wanted to do a detox to reduce inflammation (she had asked to be supported by me in that, and in pain management) and it was just a few days before Christmas. And so a dear friend, knowing that her hugely bloated abdomen (looking like 7 months pregnant) was actually advanced & acute acites and a signal of her impending death, offered to host her at his tranquil guesthouse for a few days so I could take a rest and be emotionally and mentally present with my daughter over the christmas days. His mission? To talk to her quietly and prepare her for her dying.

I collected her in my truck, voiced my concerns as to her inability to breathe properly (the massive fluid build up compromising her lung function) and off we went. I had only driven 2 streets in heavy traffic when she had a major seizure in the passenger seat next to me and died within the minute it took for me to safely navigate traffic and pull off the road.

Arriving at the hospital some 10 minutes later in a state of shock with a dead body in my passenger seat, I was arrested pending an investigation into her death. The US consulate? Disgraceful. After I was finally cleared of wrong-doing (a formality and police were actually lovely) and her body released in the immediate days after New Year, the US Consulate refused to assist with funeral costs and suggested I simply allow them to dispose of her body as medical waste. We don't arrange funerals. Not our job.

I couldn't do it, couldn't simply abandon her in the morgue. Under Thai law, I was officially 'family' since no one else claimed her and she had died in my presence. We may not have been close, but she was someone's daughter, a human being and someone who needed the ritual of being mourned. Rather than simply disposed of.

And so 3 years ago this week, I conducted the most simple of northern Thai funerals. The video popped up in my social media "memories" in the last days and I found myself still tearful, with unresolved feelings about care for dying people, health choices, the desolation of dying alone and how brutal the process can (but shouldn't) be. And yet I also a deep feeling of peace at how meaningless this physical body and existence really are without love and connection.

I felt changed by reliving this experience and simply wanted to honour Alaia Leighland in a small way.

I remain grateful for the few people who assisted with a bit of cash to help me pay for the coffin, the monks, a few flowers the petrol for the cremation itself and a small stipend for the cremation attendant. I'm grateful for the few people who came. Only 3 of us actually knew Alaia - the other 3 came as a mark of respect for a fellow world traveler who had chosen to die alone.

Thank you to Robert Urhausen, who allowed me to inter her ashes at his lovely northern Thai homestay Baan Tung Boon Lom Homestay in Mae Rim, Chiang Mai.

Alaia - we remember you and honour your time in this earthschool. Thank you for the lessons. I use your little Egyptian business card holder almost every day and often smile - still haven't found anyone to exchange all that Iraqi cash we found in your backpack. LOL.

We are all just walking each other Home.